Dear Vice,
Me and my girlfriend recently went on the booze cruise between Sweden
and Finland. The boat leaves every day of the year with the sole purpose
of selling extraordinary amounts of tax free booze to the passengers.
What sets this particular cruise apart from the regular ones was the
tattoo fair that traveled with it. Here’s what happened…

When we arrive at the boat, everyone looks like they’re
going to a rock festival. There’s a band playing some kind of metal,
there are people in the corners already passed out, and there are more
people with tattoos on their faces and necks than without.

The ridiculously overpriced buffet consists of 10 different kinds of
seafood and four beers. We sat down and had a long conversation with a depressed biker who had his motorcycle shed burnt
down a week earlier. He decided that the only sane thing to do was to get
on the tattoo boat with his 40 biker gang friends and forget all
about it. When we met him he was well on his way to forgetting his
own name.

Back in the cabin, my girlfriend refuses to let me play any music that
is even remotely good, so I’m stuck with the door open listening to techno ON A FUCKING METAL
BOAT! We are still not nearly as drunk as our fellow travelers, but
the great thing about this place is that the atmosphere is about one
million times better than at the clubs where we
usually hang out.

We meet this girl, I can’t remember her name, she’s 18 years old, has
8 piercings in her face, tattoos all over her body done by her
boyfriend, and a gambling problem that has her tiptoeing barefoot
over the carpeted floors begging for money from anyone that passes
by. It adds up to €60. She spends it all in three hours by the slot
machines.

Later, I go back to the cabin and find our bedspread crumpled on the
floor of the bathroom. Underneath it I find my girlfriend naked, freezing and
ready to barf. Like a good man should, I hold her hair and then put her in sideways drunken position on the micro-sized bed. I try to cuddle up to her, but every time I touch her
she runs to the toilet. This goes on for some 12 hours until
we’re almost back in Sweden where we chuck back meatballs, mashed
potatoes and about a litre of milk to wash it down with.

* For more info on the Tattoo Boat, go to www.tattoobaten.se