If you’re into violence and gore, well good, but stop namedropping lame-ass remakes of the new wave of French horror films. That’s like passing yourself off as Casanova when your only frame of reference is intentionally and repeatedly walking in on your sister in the shower. Even if the concept of French cinema seems sort of snooty and a bit gay, once you’ve been raked by these movies you’ll go, “Hey, I guess I do enjoy a creepy haircut scene in a foreign language.”

A l’interieur

If you grew up in the era where Leisure Suit Larry was the only link between computers and wanking, you probably got off watching Beatrice Dalle in Betty Blue. If so, this movie will make you repent every stroke. Also if you’re pregnant: Don’t watch this unless your family is fanatically pro life and you’re stuck with an unwanted pregnancy.

Creepy haircut scene: NO

Calvaire

This is hillbilly horror right up there with The Deliverance. The bar/piano sequence is arguably the best scene ever in this genre. Fuck it, it’s the best scene ever, period.

Creepy haircut scene: YES

Frontiere(s)

Four Parisians looters flee the city riots and check into a desolate countryside motel run by a family of inbred Nazi-cannibals. Not much more to say.

Creepy haircut scene: YES

Martyrs

This is the intellectual evil twin of gore bores like SAW and Hostel. It’s twisted with care. Also Mylène Jampanoï is only English 101 away from becoming the next American indie film darling. Zooey Descha-who?

Creepy haircut scene: YES

Haute Tension 2003

When you eventually figure the plot out, you won’t be too disappointed that’s it’s a bit blah, since you’re busy soaking your pee-stained pants. This movie builds tension like you won’t believe, blue-balled cinematography all the way.

Creepy haircut scene: NO

HENRIK SALTSTEIN