For three months now I’ve been living with a prostitute. And, much like any job, over time, she has made friends with her fellow professionals (streetwalking, not-at-all classy friends). Yay! This means by default most of my recent nights in have been spent sitting around my living room with a bunch of whores, listening to them gossip over stories of differing brands of thrush creams and their ever-sagging labia. They always use up all the tea bags, and I swear the other day one of them stole a pair of my tights. But whatever, in the end it’s worth having the skanks around for all the riveting and disgusting stories they tell. Here are a few of the best ones I’ve heard recently.

Laying eggs

My favourite of the whores is Candy (not her real name, obvs). She’s 35, has dyed, baby pink hair and an asshole that “often prolapses”. Hot. She recently told me about a regular client of hers who gets off by sticking eggs up her pussy, then forcing her to “lay” them onto his chest. The last time she did this, however, Candy couldn’t manage to squeeze all five eggs inside of her back out. In a panic, the guy punched Candy in the stomach thinking the eggs would slide out of her more easily once cracked. Sadly, that was a bogus theory and she had globs of egg goo and pieces of shell dripping out of her for days.

Cat pissing

Twenty-six-year-old Alison was asked by one client to piss on his cat. Which, like all the best perversions, seems utterly random to everyone except, presumably, the pervert. Apparently Alison tried a few times to aim her urine stream onto the animal, but failed as the cat was too fast. When I asked her why she didn’t just hold the cat down and piss on it that way, she replied, “I was afraid it was going to scratch my money-maker.”

Secret paedos

According to Team Whore, it’s really common for men to hire prostitutes not with the intention of fucking them, but rather just to hold and caress them, and do things like play with their hair and call them “Baby” (and perhaps give them the occasional spanking). The girls refer to this as the daddy complex because the men act so similarly to how a father would treat his little girl. I think I’d prefer to be fucked.

Dark

At nineteen, Svetlana (street name Brittany) is the youngest of the group. She’s only been a prostitute for six months, but says her most disturbing experience thus far was when a client wanted to fuck her wearing his wife’s wedding dress, then cried mid-way though. When I asked her if she ever felt any guilt in conjunction with her job, she answered, “Only when I forget to stop remembering about it.”

Jeez! All their sex adventures sound so exciting and fun and danger-free, they almost make me want to give up my job as a wasted loser and join the naked circus! Although I’m a bit scared of what my radical Christian parents might think.