The British Fertility Clinic is warning that we are facing a shortage
of men willing to donate sperm. About 4,000 women a year need donor
sperm to become pregnant. In 2006, only 307 men registered to become
donors. So it’s really no big surpirse.

Once upon a time sperm donation was simply an ethical
feminist-sanctioned wank: a time to dig deep into your pants and make
an anonymous charitable donation. In hospitals philanthropic ononists
ignored the fact that only a curtain separated their disinfected wank
palace from a building full of tumours and amputees. They heroically
objectified the young women of the NHS’ government-sanctioned porno in
order to help older women realise their maternal ambitions. For once a
wank ended in an explosion of self-worth (rather than the usual dank
realisation that masculinity means little more than being a spunk
machine made of meat). Someone even took the mess away in a little cup!

But now it’s been ruined. The problem started when Britain banned anonymous sperm donation in 2005. I suppose some woman in Twickernam gave birth to Hitler’s triplets or that massive pulsing maggot from The Fly and understandably demanded to know exactly whose jizz her eggs had been getting their gestation on with. The upshot of this is that legally, the progeny of these unromantic impregnations can find out who their father is once they’re eighteen. So, eighteen years after your outeristic student wank, some strange boy could turn up in your adult life, march across your lawn and lambast you for having been a shit absentee dad in front of your wife and her tennis partner.

Having a kid from a wank? Jesus, you’d have to be completely mad to donate sperm now. As far as I can see there’s only one solution for the unfertalized women of britain, target the one market that sees wanking as a sport and literally doesn’t give a shit about having kids: fifteen year olds. If the teen populous of Britain is happy to bareback screw their way into the record books (highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe! Take that Croatia!), then it’s unlikely they’ll worry about cumming in a cup. Pre-menopausal women, if you want a donor, grab a beaker and head to your nearest comprehensive. 

ALEX MILLER