By now you’ll probably have heard that cheap clobber megastore T.K. Maxx has been selling these (Swiss army) knives with hoodies attached. Or is the other way round? Yeah, I think it is: hoodies with those deadly (Swiss army) knives sewn into the lining. Either way, it’s fucking disgraceful. I was so shocked I had to call up Boris Johnson’s office to see if I could get the albino labrador lookalike to make some sense of it all. Unfortunately Boris had popped to the shop to get some Jaffa Cakes when I rang, but I managed to speak to his very helpful secretary, Melissa, who was more than willing to answer my questions.

Prancehall: So you can now buy hooded jackets with knives attached?
Melissa: Yeah.

That’s pretty fucked up, right?
Yeah.

OK, thanks. Bye.

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