– It is impossible to mention someone’s name without stating their age immediately afterwards: “Sammy, 33, works as a nurse in Great Yarmouth.”

– Fat people we are supposed to like are referred to as “cuddly” or “curvy”. Fat people we are supposed to hate are referred to as “obese” or “bloated”. For instance: “Cuddly comedienne Dawn French, 51, yesterday announced that she is expecting twins!” Or on the other hand: “Bloated Ian Huntley, 34, has become obese on a cushy prison diet of pizza and Angel Delight.”

– If 30,000 people die in a foreign country it can only make the
front page if some (usually about three) “Britons” are also killed.
Otherwise it’s just some more dead brown people, and there’s plenty
more where they came from. Incidentally, British people are only
referred to as “Britons” if they die or are kidnapped on foreign soil…

– If tabloids are sympathetic to your story they will up your
attractiveness by about two notches, regardless. So plain people become
“attractive”, good-looking people become “stunning”, pudding-faced
hairdressers who make a habit of fucking married footballers are
described as “pretty”.

– For every four birthdays you have, a Page 3 Girl only has one. It’s like they were born on a Leap Year of Tits.

– If you are featured in a Problem Page photo story, you are probably an attractive woman who accidentally lezzes up her equally
attractive friend and is left confused by her feelings.

– It’s OK to be a little bit racist. As long as you pretend to hate
people for being asylum seekers and not just because they are brown.

– There is no problem on the political landscape that cannot be
tackled by sending out a big red bus and two girls who like getting their
tits out in public.

– When a Princess dies you get no tits on page three for about two weeks. It’s what she would have wanted.

– All Muslims are mental and want to kill you. Moderate Muslims only moderately want to kill you.

– Brussels can go fuck itself, but we should all get to go to France for £1.

LOUISE