Hi, I am the worst cook on the planet. I literally cannot even boil an
egg. Today I thought to myself, “Hmm, I would like to eat a hard-boiled
egg. How hard is it to make a hard-boiled egg?” It’s
only two steps: 1) Boil a pot of water. 2) Place a few eggs in the
boiling water for about 15 minutes. Easy, right? Well, guess what, I
could not even make it through STEP ONE!

I managed to get my one and
only pot down from the cupboard, I managed to fill it up with water and
put it on the stove, and then, my fatal flaw—I totally fucking forgot
about it. Cut to an hour later and I hear some rattling sounds coming
from the kitchen area. I go OH FUCK and then I quickly turn off the
flame. The thing was radiating intense heat. The silver metal had
turned bronze-ish toward the bottom of the pot. Even with a potholder
the thing was hotter than the sun, and I cautiously removed the lid to
discover the bottom of the pot was covered in a creepy, cruddy
poisonous-looking soot. Mostly I’m annoyed because that was my only
pot. Do you think if I give it a good scrub it’ll still be usable?

Oh, and by the way, this isn’t my first hard boiled egg disaster either.
About a year ago I attempted to boil some eggs and this time I actually
got the eggs in the pot before I proceeded to go into the other room
and completely forget about them. About an hour later I heard a loud
pop. I went OH FUCK and then raced into the kitchen to behold six
burnt-black eggs sizzling on the bottom of a burnt-black pot. Stupidly,
I grabbed the pot and ran it under cold water. BIG MISTAKE. Wafts of
acrid egg-smoke steamed and hissed and exploded out of the pot. I
panicked. I ran to the window and heaved the eggs out. I left the pot
on my windowsill till it cooled down and then I threw it out in the
recycling dumpster.

So that’s two pots destroyed now. I wonder, can you microwave eggs?
I really like hard-boiled eggs. Especially deviled ones. Mmm. Fuck I
wish I hadn’t burned my pot.

AMY KELLNER