Here’s one of the more peculiar letters we’ve had in a while. It’s from a girl whose job it is to make incontinent laboratory rats go to the toilet. No shit. It’s the worst job we’ve heard about since the guy who cleans old people’s asses for a living. Anyways, for those of you who are into this, here’s a step-by-step guide…   

Dear Vice,

Multiple Sclerosis is a chronic, neurological disease that hits
nerve cells in your brain and spinal marrow. It’s a
creepy disease that slowly paralyzes you. But there
are methods of treatment, and that’s where I come in. You
see, in order to produce medication you need medical research. And to
do research you need laboratory animals.

The rats in my experimental group get their nerves
cut off so they can’t pee by themselves. My
job is to sort of help them get started. You might think I play an
insignificant part in the fight against MS, but I assure you that making rats piss
is not only important for research, it’s also quite a difficult job.

Anyways, here’s a how-to for anyone who might be
interested in giving urine squeezing a shot:

Grip
Open the cage. Get an overview. Choose a
premier rat, but don’t you dare grab it by its tail! That’s
cruelty. Get a good hold on its back instead and simply turn
it towards you. There! See?

Press
Pinch the belly carefully until you seem to have found the bladder. Then increase
pressure. Look, it’s taking a piss!

Be patient
Assuming you won’t have any problems keeping the rat from pissing all over you, you can now focus on pressing bellies and keeping the rats
in need separated from the empty ones. It makes work a whole lot
easier. I know this is exhausting, but be patient and accept that
urinating 35 rats will take a while.