At Brooklyn’s GreenPoint Tavern, the conversations range from Polish rants about the problems “viss de niggers” to giggling college-girl arguments about cherry Chapstick. There is a perfect 50/50 split between pathetic old drunks with huge birth defects (remember that article we did called “What the Fuck Is Up With Goiter Guy’s Piss Plate?”) and moronic twentysomethings with no money. What better location, we thought, to bring together the two smartest political scientists in America for a debate about the future of the Western world? Bill McGowan is the author of Coloring the News: How Crusading for Diversity Has Corrupted American Journalism (which earned him the National Press Club Award) and Only Man Is Vile: The Tragedy of Sri Lanka , two books that have solidified his position as one of America’s top intellectuals and caused total outrage in the dumb community. Scott McConnell is the executive editor of Pat Buchanan’s magazine, The American Conservative . You may know him as the guy who got fired from the New York Post for daring to imply that merging with Puerto Rico might not be a good thing, but his political essays have lent much-needed genius to publications from Fortune to National Review . We don’t really know anything about the third guy, Throatie. He was at the bar when we got there and had been drinking for seven hours, so we gave him the tape recorder and told him to mediate the debate.
Throatie: Are you guys gay? Bill: Scott: I mean Republican or conservative or whatever? Bill: Scott: Like skinheads vs. boot boys vs. chelseas vs. suede heads vs. scooter boys. People like to be part of a thing. Bill: Do you guys want another drink? Bill: What’s a Bloody? Bill: Scott: Bill: Ha! “Gnarly shit.” Right on. Bill: My girlfriend kept accusing me of fucking this girl I worked with until I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I ended up fucking her. Scott: Bill: Scott: Bill: Scott: Bill: So what happens after we kill him? He gets AIDS? Bill: Precisely! Bill: Scott: Bill: Let’s just kill Saddam. With a sniper. Bang! Bill: Scott: Bill Scott: Bill: Scott: Bill: Scott: Bill: Terrorists are fucking crazy. They don’t care if we do or don’t invade anybody. They want to get us no matter what. We should peg them off one by one. Like real Splatball. Bill: Scott: Bill: Scott: Ha ha. Tough guys. Scott: Bill: You lived there? Are they cool guys? Bill: Scott: Bill: Scott: What about Israel? Isn’t that making them want to kill us already? Scott: Bill: I’m going to get a beer. Do you guys want anything? Scott: Bill: Most of the kids at my school hate Israel so much they sound like Nazis. It’s tense. Bill: Scott: Why do we keep going back to Israel? Isn’t this about the Aye-raaabs?
Scott: How much? Scott Out of ten. Scott: Bill: Okay, what’s your number? Bill: Okay, so what is it? Bill: There, now was that so hard? Bill: Can you give me an example? Bill: Give me an example of how their culture is the problem but use a cool example. Like in the animal kingdom or something. No fancy words. Bill: Scott: Bill: Scott: Bill: But they’ll change. I’m from Quebec, where the church used to run everything. Even the worst swear words, like “chalice” and “tabernak,” refer to parts of a church, but we are so over that now. My parents’ teachers were nuns, but me and my brother’s teachers were fucking hippies. Bill: Scott: Bill, are we better than them? Bill: Scott: Bill: Scott: Bill: