Today the World Cup begins. It’s basically like the rugby World Cup only with football instead. To celebrate this we’re piggy-backing on the popularity of soccer by hosting our own hypothetical competition. It’s kind of a World Cup of Evil. Today Group A kick off (kick the shit out of each other).

FRANCE

Historical evil: They’ve brought the world du pain, du vin and du borsin but they’ve also brought us dark imperial wars, bitching at us after we saved their asses in WW2 and Catholic v. Protestant religious conflict that makes this Muslim stuff we’ve got going on now look weak. Also, they’re bad to Muslims now.

Football evil: The French are in this World Cup thanks to a monumental piece of cheating on the part of Thierry Henry, but only sentimental pub bores (and the Irish nation) bother complaining about that now. Their best story comes from the 1998 World Cup in which the Paraguayan football team were allegedly guaranteed qualification for three World Cups if they threw they second round game against France, who were the hosts. Paraguay duly lost and, intriguingly, has qualified for the three world cups since.

MEXICO

Historical evil: Once populated by the naïve and violent Aztecs and Mayans who spent their lives worshiping a great tortoise, building massive pyramids, and playing complicated psychopathic versions of basketball. Then Cortes turned up pretending to be God and killed everyone. So yeah, from whatever angle you look at it they’re eeevil.

Football evil: It’s got to all be run by drug lords right? I mean, have you been to Tijuana? Also, they’ve just really upset one of their star players, Giovanni dos Santos, by not including his brother Jonathan in their squad. I mean, how evil is that? Meanies.

SOUTH AFRICA

Historical evil: It may have been the site of massive wrongdoing, but the Rainbow Nation is in a new phase and Jacob Zuma was found not guilty of rape so why would you even bring that up? Still, how can you listen to a burly Boer farmer purr “Kruger Game Park” and not feel a chill run down your spine as you imagine him heading out into the veldt to hunt the deadliest predator of them all: man. Evil.

Football evil: The team have a white player called Matthew Booth who the supporters celebrate by chanting his surname. Eager to find a deep vein of racism running through South African football, a number of Western journalists reported the booing of a noble white player by callous black fans. Nice one media. Benni McCarthy, formerly the team’s star player, has been dropped for being too fat as well as being mocked by fans, who constantly ask him if he’s hungry or not.

URUGUAY

Historical evil: It may be better known over here as the country that sounds like “you are gay” but Uruguay has a crazed history that matches that of its Falklands-loving neighbour Argentina. Both countries were occupied by the British for short periods during Napoleon’s times and both countries were ruled by a military dictatorship after the Second World War, having previously been affluent and happy as a result of cow-based trade and the like. Uruguay was even constantly worked on by the US Office of Public Safety, a creepy fake international development agency that was basically the CIA in disguise.

Football evil: If evil is being damn good at football despite being a real small country, then sign these guys up!

RESULTS

Frankly Ur-a-gay never stood a chance and while historically Mexico have an edge, against the mighty colonial fuck ups of France and South Africa they look outmoded. So, congratulations Sarkozy, your surrender-monkey handballing Bleus have made it through alongside those evil-voiced Boers.

1. FRANCE
2. SOUTH AFRICA
3. MEXICO
4. URUGUAY

Oh, and if you’re into football and not just evil, you should watch this, the first part of a film we made, it’s great.