Last weekend the Metro Toronto Convention Centre hosted FanExpo Canada 2008. If you live in the GTA and have a pulsing hard-on for horror, sci-fi, comics, anime or video games or have ever rolled a 12-sided die or know what a “booster pack” or an “economizer” is, you were there.  I went because Brent Spiner, the guy who played Lieutenant Commander Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation was there (like, beyond any bullshit anthropological agenda I may have told my friends about, I wanted to meet him.)

But, like anything else I’ve ever believed
in, the whole thing fell apart. It wasn’t so much that Data was charging $30 for an autograph and
clearly using the whole thing as an excuse to hawk his CD of popular standards,
but he didn’t even have the common courtesy to shake hands. As fans
lined up for Data’s meet ‘n greet, awkwardly fumbling with their Star
Trek memorabilia and trying to figure out which semi-famous quote they
were going to repeat back to him, I watched as Data acknowledged each
one not with a handshake, which is still the standard salutatory
gesture in the West, but with a fucking fist bump. Daps!

Besides the fact that where the fuck does Data get off
co-opting the Michael Jordan knuckle knock, where does Brent Spiner even find the
balls? Like if it weren’t for the snaking line of dweebs waiting for
his overpriced autograph, he’d just be a nobody with six episodes of
Night Court and a couple Mama’s Family cameos and a few major movie roles and some other appearances on popular TV shows under his belt. I call
bullshit on Brent Spiner and Howie Mandel and all these other
supposed germaphobes.  They’re basically confirming their acceptance of the stereotype of Trekkies
as oily, unwashed masturbators with boogers and Dorito crumbs all over
their grubby paws. Which they are, but these are supposed to be their fans.  Worse, he’d match each pound with a “respec’”, which is
sardonic as shit considering he actually doesn’t have enough respec’
for his public to shake their fucking hands.

Meanwhile at the booth beside him, Kristy Swanson is being bubbly as
hell, hugging the guys and posing for photos like she actually gives a
shit about the people who propelled her to semi-stardom. And she’s
someone the average geek has spilled a legitimate load over.

I hate you Brent Spiner.

JOHN SEMLEY