Hey, guess what? 99 per cent of the student nights that you will attend during your three years of “fun” will be so bad that they’ll make staying in and watching a Two Pints of Lager & A Packet Of Crisps marathon while you eat your own hands seem like a good proposition. Beer that tastes like watery piss, boys that look like they’ve escaped from the cutting room floor of an episode of Faliraki Uncovered and music so bad that it will make you beg and pray for deafening tinnitus.

It’s hardly surprising that a growing number of students have turned to not bothering with the whole going out thing at all to just stay in and amuse themselves. Remember: you have something called your imagination, endless free time and no one knows what you like better than you, right?

Name: Ally Pratshaft Age: 20
Studying: Journalism at City of London

Vice: What is it you are doing here exactly?

Alice: Measuring the liquid capacity of my boobs.

Eh?

I was watching some makeover show and they had this big boob measuring machine and when I was at home sitting around one day I came up with a method of working it out yourself. You get a measuring jug, plop your boob in there and the amount of water displaced represents the liquid volume of your tit.

And this was fun?

Yeah! I poured the water into the balloons so one of these balloons represents one of my boobs. Generally sitting at home playing with yourself is more fun than wasting time and money in bars.
 

Name: Gemma Meredith Age: 20
Studying: Journalism at City of London

Vice: What the fuck’s going on here?

Gemma: It’s the most fun thing to do when you want to party on your own. You just get loads of stuff, whack it in a bowl and then hoover it up and see what happens. It’s kind of like snorting a potion.

Or doing a budget bong hit of liquefied drugs. Except by “drugs” you mean fizzy pop and household items?

Exactly. There was some washing up liquid in this mix which didn’t go down so well.

What happened when you snorted it exactly?

It made me wretch a lot and I sicked up some bubbly pink stuff but it definitely made me feel a bit weird.

Name: Laura Killeen Age: 21
Studying: Drama at The Neighbourhood School of Drama

Vice: Woo-hoo! Girls night in!

Laura: Absolutely. The best nights are when you just hang out at home, get dressed up, turn up some music and party.

Surely other humans are pretty integral to the whole concept of a party?

Not really. I just parade around in my high heels and listen to Hot Chip really loud.

Sounds like a hoot. You seem quite animated here. Ever pick up any injuries?

I almost knocked myself out once when I was dancing on the sofa in heels. There was no one else in and I thought I was going to be found dead, spread eagled on the living room floor in my party frock.

Name: Olga Winterbottom Age: 21
Studying: Philosophy at Cambridge

Vice: I really hope you aren’t listening to that Bob Marley song that rhymes with rammin’.

Olga: No, but listening to music with my headphones on and eating jam are two of my favourite things so when I got really bored of going out in my second year I just decided to stay in and combine the two.

What is the ultimate jam/music combo?

I really like raspberry jam so probably a pot of that, and I usually just steal my brother’s iPod so whatever he’s been listening to.

Have you ever taken the jam party out to the streets?

No, I don’t think the world is ready for it yet.

Name: Ross Montgomerry Age: 21
Studying: Philosophy at University of Sussex Vice: It looks like you are playing with a massive balloon here.

Ross: Surely the booze makes balancing on that thing harder than saying the alphabet backwards while you rub your tummy and pat your head? Erm, OK. If you got really good, could you walk along on it like they make the elephants in Dumbo do?

PHOTOS BY FRANCESCA PERRY