For most of my life, I’ve been that girl who loses herself in her relationships—though it hasn’t happened in the obvious way.

I don’t neglect my close friends or abandon my passions or lose my independence when falling in love; rather, I just find myself overgiving, accommodating, and people-pleasing to make the other person happy. I still make time for loved ones, still write my poetry and fiction books, still prioritize my career, still exercise, still schedule solo date nights by myself…But deep down, I am still self-abandoning in small ways. Emotionally, I become a shell of who I was before the relationship, then wonder why I resent whoever I’m dating at the time.

Thankfully, I’ve begun to slowly but surely shed this habit over the years, but it’s so deeply ingrained in me that I still battle it from time to time. I still have to remind myself that I am a whole person with wants and needs that matter just as much as the next person.

If you’re feeling lost in your relationship, you’re not the only one. Here are three helpful tips to reconnect with yourself without having to sacrifice your love life.

1. Voice Your Opinions and Boundaries

Many people don’t realize just how weak their boundaries are until they’re drowning in other people’s chaos and expectations. What might feel like selflessness can quickly become self-neglect if you aren’t careful. Even if you’re dating the kindest, most loving human, they still might unintentionally take advantage of your lack of boundaries, simply because you aren’t communicating your limits and needs. They’re not a mindreader.

You know how some people have a superiority complex? In this case, I’d call it an inferiority complex: You think other people are more important than you, that their needs and values are more valid, so you repress or override your own and label it “love.” If something makes you uncomfortable, you’re afraid to call it out because you don’t want to be “unfair” or “controlling.” You consider the other person’s perspective while diminishing your own. 

But the truth is, both people matter in a relationship. 

You’re allowed to have your own standards, feelings, opinions, and thoughts on a given matter. That’s what makes you who you are. Don’t silence yours just to fit more seamlessly into someone else’s life. If you can’t find a middle ground, you’re simply not compatible—and that’s okay. Love should not force you to abandon your own values, morals, and comfort.

2. Preserve Your Energy for Personal Goals

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t physically abandon my own passions when in a relationship. I’m still writing my book. I’m still moving my body. I’m still attending open-mic nights with friends.

Yet, I often still find myself losing touch with my goals or my sense of self. Why? Because I am energetically depleted. All of my mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity goes to ensuring my partner feels good, happy, cared for, etc. When in a relationship, I am constantly trying to “better myself” for my person, even if they have absolutely zero problem with how I’m showing up.

I realized I’ve done this mainly in relationships with incompatible partners. Instead of trying to meet in the middle or simply admitting we want different things, I’ve worked tirelessly to become a version of myself that might fit with them. No wonder why, by the time I sat down to write my novel, rolled out my mat for yoga, or showed up to happy hour with my friends, I was exhausted. I was investing my purest energy in relationships that didn’t fuel me in return. The other parts of my life saw the worst version of me.

You know the saying “fill your own cup first”? Live by that. The right relationship will meet you where you are.

3. Stop Trying to Prove Your Worth

So often in relationships, I feel the need to “prove” that I’m someone worth loving. It’s a sad pattern, one that likely stems from my OCD, which has acted as a relentless bully throughout my entire life. Nevertheless, it’s my responsibility to work on my confidence and build a stronger sense of self.

Just by existing, you are already inherently worthy of love, respect, and happiness. You don’t need to earn it by endlessly sacrificing your own wants and needs. 

What would happen if you stopped trying to prove yourself and stood firmly in your truth? Would your relationship crumble, or would your partner rise to the occasion and meet you the same way you meet them? The right person will love you even more in your self-assurance.