The cynical side of me believes many people settle in their relationships/marriages. Not because of superficial things or petty differences. Rather, there seems to be quite a lot of couples who genuinely seem unhappy and resentful. Which begs the question…why do they stay together?

“Settling robs you of the opportunity to experience genuine love and connection, while keeping you trapped in a situation that prevents you from meeting someone who could truly align with your values, meet your needs, and bring joy to your life,” Amie Leadingham, certified relationship coach, told VeryWell Mind.

I took to the wild, wild west we call Reddit to explore the idea of settling. In a post shared in the subreddit r/datingoverforty, one user asked: “How do you know if you’re settling?” Here are some common signs of this behavior.

1. You’re staying out of fear.

Fear is a strong emotion that can impact some of our biggest decisions, including who we spend our lives with. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being unlovable…these all can cause a person to stay in an unfulfilling relationship.

“You know you’re settling if the only thing stopping you from ending the relationship is the idea that dating is a hassle and you’re afraid you won’t find someone else (or be with someone worse),” one Reddit commenter said.

2. You’re staying because ‘it could be worse’

Most of us know that the dating world isn’t exactly ideal right now. In fact, many dating prospects make the bare minimum feel like something worth celebrating. However, just because “it could be worse” does not mean you should settle.

According to one Reddit user, you’ll know when you’re settling “when the internal convo you have in your head about the other person always starts with, ‘At least he/she’s not: fill in the blank.’ No one should be anybody’s ‘at least.”

3. You feel there’s something ‘better’ out there.

It’s totally normal to wonder what could or would be if you weren’t with your partner. However, if you’re constantly believing there’s someone “better” than your current partner, and you’re merely holding off until you find that person, this is a clear sign to let them go so they can be with someone who genuinely loves and accepts them. 

“If you feel like you can get a ‘better deal,’ then you’re gonna have simmering resentment/doubts that will unfairly be projected onto your partner,” one Reddit user wrote.

4. Your core values do not align.

Our values tell us a lot about ourselves and our priorities in life. If you don’t share the same general values, morals, and goals in life, then you might be settling just for the companionship that comes with having a partner.

“I would only consider it settling if I stayed with someone whose core values do not align with mine,” one Redditor said. “I screen for values compatibility early, though, so I will not settle.”

5. You feel pressured to be in a relationship.

Many of us live in accordance with societal timelines and pressures to find “the one.” We often seek to check boxes like marriage and kids instead of fulfilling our desires and needs.

According to one highly-voted Reddit user, someone is likely settling when “external pressure (comparison to others, or following some imaginary ‘timeline’) serves as the primary motivator to be in a relationship more than one’s internal desire to find the ‘right,’ most compatible partner.”

Notes on the idea of ‘settling’

It’s certainly true that many people settle into relationships. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, many will also endlessly search for the perfect, flawless partner—not realizing that they’re just a myth.

“If you’re looking for the person of your dreams, you’ll always be settling, because they don’t exist. You made them up,” a Redditor commented. “Beyond that … you have to know what you’re looking for/what’s most important to you in a relationship. Prioritize those things and know that the people you date will still have flaws/not be able to meet all of your needs.”

Additionally, if this feels like a pattern for you—where you’re constantly getting into relationships just to pick the person apart before ultimately deciding they’re not good enough for you—you might want to dig a bit deeper.

“If this is a recurrent thing for you, it might be worth your while to explore your attachment style,” one person wrote. “Fear of settling can be indicative of an avoidant attachment style. Fear of settling, focusing on a partner’s perceived flaws, or searching for a ‘perfect’ partner can all be considered deactivating strategies.”