Tom Brady was suspended four games for his role in Deflategate and that is certainly a punishment. Whether it’s too harsh, or not harsh enough is not our responsibility right now. What we’re charged with figuring out now is: what other punishments would have been appropriate for Tom Brady? We’ve done our research and what follows is an exhaustive list of the alternative punishments we came up with while we should have been working.

• Tom Brady should be suspended from the rafters for four games.
• He should not be suspended from any games, but he has to play four games in rollerblades and a Hawaiian shirt.
• He will not be suspended, but he will be strapped into a chair with his eyeballs pried open and forced to watch the David Tyree catch for 9 hours every day for the rest of his life.
• Malcolm Butler has retroactively been flagged for pass interference and Marshawn Lynch, who more probably than not would have scored anyway, has been awarded the game-winning touchdown in Super Bowl XLIX.
• For the rest of his NFL career, all media are allowed to refer to Tom Brady as a “dry dick rando” when addressing him during post-game press conferences.
• The back of Tom Brady’s jersey will now read “Nerd Virgin.”
• Brady is suspended for four games’ worth of football time, with the suspensions spread out a series at a time across the course of two seasons per the wishes of the NFL’s Excellence Committee.
• Tom Brady must play the entire season wearing Uggs.
• Tom Brady must take play calls from Bridget Moynahan.
• Tom Brady is now personal valet to Rob Gronkowski, primarily responsible for purchasing condoms and Bud Lite Lime-a-Ritas.
• For six consecutive weekends, Tom Brady must go to a minimum security prison where he is confined to a small conference room with a disappointed Tedy Bruschi, who repeatedly asks him “How, Tommy? How?”
• Tom Brady is permanently barred from ascending into the night sky in a helicopter.
• Tom Brady has been traded to the Cleveland Browns.
• Gilbert Gottfried will sing the National Anthem for any game Tom Brady ever plays in.
• Beginning today, Tom Brady can never again get a haircut.
• Tom Brady must begin no more than 160, but no fewer than 154 post-game press conferences with “First, I’d like to give all the glory to Satan, for I am his messenger on this plane of existence until such time as he believes I have proven my worth to he who is the lord, Lucifer, through whom all is possible.”