2017 might’ve been the worst year in modern history. You didn’t need us to tell you that. But if you’re holding out hope that things will turn around next year, we have some bad news for you: they won’t. 2018 will be much, much worse. In fact, we’ve set ourselves up for one epically bad year after another with no foreseeable end. So the only thing you can do to endure the increasingly nightmarish world we live in is to enjoy the everloving hell out of the few, fleeting good moments that happen in between waves of shit. Here’s a list of 117 objectively good things that happened in 2017. Hold them close to you. Let the good vibes they give off fuse with your DNA and keep you sedated through the Hellworld we inhabit.
When Ryan Adams Went Off on Father John Misty and the Strokes Dude on Twitter
Joey Bada$$ Staring at the Eclipse so Hard He Had to Cancel His Shows
Honestly, not a good thing for him but a cautionary tale for the rest of us: The sun is not a toy.
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This Guy Whose Stomach Looked Like Woody Harrelson
A Near Endless Supply of Richard Spencer Nazi Punch Remixes
The Guy from Star Wars Saying He Doesn’t Know What Emo Is
The Kids Who Ruined Their Dad’s TV Appearance
This Fuckin Guy
Bill O’Reilly Getting Fired for Being a Pervy Ballbag
We Finally Learned What Mario’s Dick Looks Like
TW: Mario’s dong
This Is Where I Recorded and Mixed the Album and All the Gear I Used
This Desus & Mero Segment About Wheel of Fortune
“On-the-spot dicespin.”
The First Five Minutes of Baby Driver
People Paying $4,000 to Go to Fyre Festival and Getting Exactly What They Deserved
When That Annoying Twitter Chode Accidentally Tweeted About Tentacle Porn
That Scene in the Ric Flair 30 for 30 Where He Estimates That He’s Slept with 10,000 Women
When Noisey Hit 420,000 Twitter Followers on 4/20
Lena Dunham’s Dog
Dogs in General, Honestly
When Mutoid Man and Miny from Royal Thunder Covered Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Princess Nokia Throwing Soup on the Drunk Racist
The Young Thug Music Video That Got Made Even Though Young Thug Didn’t Bother to Show Up
Larry King Vaping
Brad Pitt Vaping
Ten Straight Hours of Jimmy Barnes Screaming
The Person Who Peeled a Potato at Liam Gallagher’s Concert
DMX Releasing an Official Version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
This Skate Video
The Repeated Public Owning of Silicon Valley Dipshits Trying to Pass Things Like Juicers and Bodegas Off as New Inventions
The Hero Who Fixed the Hollywood Sign
Bo Dietl Humiliating Himself for an Entire Election Season and Still Getting Less Than One Percent of the Vote
Rage Against the Machine but with Owen Wilson Saying “Wow” Instead of a Wah Pedal
The Guy Who Made an Art Exhibit Out of “Who Let the Dogs Out?”
Chris Christie Getting Owned by Beach Memes
Chris Christie Getting Owned by Callers While Filling in for Mike Francesa
Chris Christie Getting Owned by a Cubs Fan
The Episode of Our Month-long Drake Podcast Where We Just Played People’s Voicemails About Drake
This Video
Carly Rae Jepsen’s Gradual Transformation into the Waitress from Always Sunny
The Warped Tour Ending
This Onion Article
Martin Shkrelboy Going to Jail
The Snapchat Hot Dog (RIP)
The Glorious Ten Days When The Mooch Was the White House Communications Director and Managed to Make “Sucking My Own Dick” Part of National Conversation
“Goop on Ya Grinch”
This Season Finale of Nathan For You
The Sweet Irony of Danica Roem Taking a Transphobe’s Job
Michael McDonald Dueting with Thundercat
Yacht rock is back, baby!
Roger Ailes Dying While (Possibly) on the Toilet
LOL RIP
Chelsea Manning Joining Twitter
Danny Brown Getting into Mount Eerie
The Incredibly Angry Description Alvarius B Wrote for His New Album
“By deciding to write my own album promos, I can perform some market research. For example, this album description text will undoubtedly be copy/pasted by most online retailers onto their respective sites because they don’t write their own new album reviews or get too excited about music, they simply want to create the illusion that they’re in business to sell records. So I could put something like: Fuck all website retailers that copy/paste this description onto their site because they are too fucking cheap, lazy or chicken shit to have an opinion to write individual album reviews—and they probably wouldn’t even notice while doing it. Anyway, back to my new album. These songs are pretty good, most likely way better than your songs, and I don’t even have time to be a real songwriter, so what does that say about you?”
The Christiano Ronaldo Statue
“Call Me Crunk but I’m Crazy!”
(This is just something we started saying around the office but you’re welcome to try it on as well.)
Bella Hadid’s Dope, Fresh, Dope, Freshin’ Dope Sneaker Shopping
Nicki Minaj Taking Off for Prague
PUP’s Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Music Video
ThE MoCkInG SpOnGeBob MemE
ThE NeW TaYlOr SwIfT AlBuM
The Oscar Going to La La Land by Mistake
Gene Simmons Getting Permanently Banned from Fox News
The Dog Named “Featuring Ludacris” on Big Mouth
Every Migos Video, Pretty Much
Marshmello Playing at the Indy 500
This Hero Teen’s Quest to Get Weezer to Cover Toto’s “Africa”
Bud Light Lime Pomegranate-rita
The Host of HQ Saying He’s “Done His Research” on Eating Ass on Waypoint’s Podcast
Drake’s Bar Mitzvah Birthday Party
Cardi B Being on Every Magazine Cover
“This Is the Future That Liberals Want”
Kid Rock Not Running for Senate to Spend More Time Being a Piece of Shit
The Jogging Pooper Terrorizing Her Neighborhood with Her Mega-Huge Craps
Galaxy Brain
The Mask Off Challenge
We’re Required to Mention Game of Thrones at Least Once so Here, Nerds, We Did It
Cracking Open a Cold One with the Boys
#InADreamChallenge
Dolly Parton Still Being Alive
Travis Scott Falling in the Hole
The Security Robot That Drowned Itself
No Nuclear War! (Yet)
That Kevin James Show Straight Killing Off the Wife to Bring in Leah Remini
Lampin’
Tomi Lahren Getting Fired and Wale Ruining Her Name for Life
This Fellow
Gucci Mane Cutting His $75k Wedding Cake with a Sword
Tom Delonge’s Space Academy
Flat Earther Memes
(Pro or con, we like ‘em all!)
Bo Bice Crying About Popeye’s
“I Love This Woman and Her Curvy Body”
Ted Cruz Cranking His Hog to @SexuallPosts
Nautical Realism Making a Comeback
Frank Ocean’s Panorama T-shirt
None of the Rick and Morty Nerds Getting Szechuan Sauce
Penis Hernandez
Yahoo! Finance’s N-Word Navy Tweet
Coke
Playboi Carti Mixing Two Soups Together
If anyone knows what kind of soups hit us up because we have thoughts.
The Cabaret Law Being Repealed
The Diddy Crop
Baked Alaska Getting Banned from Twitter
Oh, and also pepper spraying himself and needing milk.
Jonah Hill Cosplaying as Post Malone
Tw1tter Picasso’s Account
The Story of Dan Nainan, the Millennial Comedian Who Is Actually 55 Years Old
This Woman’s Pickle ASMR Channel
Chillout Man
“Mans Not Hot” Making Our Songs of the Year List
Reince Priebus Getting Fired While Golfing
The “Take a Knee, My Ass” Song, Which Sucks Many a Huge Butt
The VICE Equipment Room Staff Naming The Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds the Best Album of All Time
Maxine Waters Reclaiming Her Time
Mariah Carey Suing Her Ex for $10 Million for Wasting Her Time
The Black Panther Trailer
All of America Looking at Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 Movie and Collectively Saying FOHHH
Lady Bird’s Use of Dave Matthews Band
The Last 60 Seconds of Charly Bliss’ Cover of “Steal My Sunshine”
Two of R. Kelly’s Houses Getting Robbed
Sean Astin in Stranger Things 2
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