Some people don’t lie, per se. They just “forget to mention” the three other people they’re seeing.

“Roaching” is the label getting slapped on anyone who secretly dates or sleeps with multiple people while pretending otherwise. It’s not an eye-rolling TikTok trend, and it’s not a misunderstood form of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). The only thing it has in common with polyamory is a shared calendar.

According to Melissa Fabello, a relationships expert at Taimi, the problem isn’t dating around—it’s lying about it. “There is nothing inherently wrong with dating multiple people at once, even if you’re monogamous,” she explains. But when someone “knowingly lies, especially knowing that [you] might make different choices if [you] know the full truth,” that crosses the line.

Is Your Situationship ‘Roaching’ You?

The whole point of ENM is transparency. Roaching is more like a magic trick: look here, not there. You think you’re the only person being invited over. You think you’re catching feelings. But behind the scenes, they’ve got backup plans—and they’re just hoping you won’t ask the right questions.

“There needs to be openness and honesty,” says Angelika Koch, another relationship and breakup expert at Taimi. Even before the exclusivity talk, even if you’re still in dating-app limbo. Because when someone implies you’re the only one, but acts otherwise, that’s not a misunderstanding. That’s a manipulative strategy.

You’re not upset that they had other dates. You’re upset they made you feel foolish for not knowing.

Fabello points out that most people can handle honesty. They just don’t want to be maneuvered. “What singles ‘roaching’ out as a specific behavior is the use of lying, either outright or purposely by omission,” she says. And that omission can change everything.

If you find out someone’s been roaching you, don’t gaslight yourself into staying. Ask the real questions: Does this feel safe? Do I trust them now? Can you rebuild something that started with secrecy?

And if you’re worried you might be doing it yourself, here’s the litmus test: are you hoping they won’t find out?

Because that’s not dating, that’s hiding.