Last November I found him and, OMG, his name was Matt. Fat Matt was back! And though this Fat Matt (ace skateboard photographer Matt Price) didn’t have a stuttering problem, he was super-duper ticklish. That’s a way better super power for a fat kid to have because an outsider can’t really capitalize on a stutter, but tickling is fun for everyone. Anyone can start tickling and make someone laugh! My wife and I were locked in a van with Matt in the UK for ten days and we tickled him every single day all day and he loved it so much.

Aside from being ticklish, Matt is also super good at eating and so I started calling him M.O.R.E. after the genius rapper. I am currently working on a book of photos of Matt eating around the globe. When I went to Australia in March with him I got so many great shots. He doesn’t believe me but he has forgotten that I just bought a crazy zoom lens. I poached photos of him eating from up to 300 yards away. I also have a small collection of photos of Fat Matt macking on girls. He is very suave for his size.

A few days ago Matt decided to come stay at my house so I could feed him. He was staying in Williamsburg but he said it sucked because no one was feeding him or tickling him. I told him to come down and I’d take care of him. I picked him up and the newish Springsteen song “Radio Nowhere” came on the radio. Whenever Bruce would sing the line, “I just want to hear some rhythm, I just want to hear some rhythm, I just want to hear some rhythm!” I would turn to Fat Matt and sing, “I just want to eat some dinner, I just want to eat some dinner, I just want to eat some dinner!” He L-O-V-E-D it.

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Matt is the best guy in the whole world.
I want to keep him.
But my wife says I can’t.
She sucks.

CHRIS NIERATKO

PS: A girl recently interviewed me about sex here. I told her I plan to snort Cialis off my wife’s butt when she’s 90. I’m a hopeless romantic.