Last week, courts heard that not only were the Railway Club Hotel in Melbourne allegedly selling sweet nectar AKA drugs as fuck to punters out of their venue’s “office,” but that the cheeky li’l rascals buying the stuff were literally queueing up to get their hands on it. Sure, that’s pretty wild. And extremely funny. But it still pales in comparison to the whole “Melbourne ‘undercover’ police visited the Railway twelve times and bought $67k worth of drugs before busting the case wide open” thing that came out a few weeks ago. We thought we’d waste everyone’s time and muse on some of the possible explanations for that happening.

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1. They were Actually Filming Underbelly Season 49

It’s no secret that Australian television sometimes struggles to nail the, er, authenticity of things. Maybe Victoria Police figured “fuck it, let’s just let Channel 9 film some busts for Underbelly or Squizzy or whatever”. They probably would’ve had to reshoot some scenes, which would explain the thirteen visits, and the $67k would’ve come bouncing merrily out of Eddie McGuire’s fat pocket. This theory is particularly good because it’s also really fun to imagine the police in flares and shit.

2. Nobody Told the Cops that Ice Doesn’t Always Cost $67k

Cops probably haven’t bought many drugs before. I mean, most actual drug takers don’t even know how much ice is, so why would the coppers know that a couple rocks aren’t, like, seventy thousand dollars? They probably wouldn’t, yknow? It’s like those memes where white boy sons-of-lawyers are buying grams of weed for $50. But huge.

3. It Was Part of a Secret Study to Treat Depression

You know how people think Ketamine might cure depression? Clinical trials are underway somewhere in the world, but they’re taking a while. Maybe the cops couldn’t wait on that research when they could be taking matters into their own hands: they wanted to cure depression themselves. Except, instead of K, they were trialing MDMA. “If it makes us feel pretty happy,” some cop thought, “might help the misso perk up a little too.” In this scenario, we reckon police are taking the MDMA straight to the lab. They had to make 12 visits because the trails were really promising—people were getting much happier—but they couldn’t get the results last for more than six hours. “Better head back to Railway boys, we’ve nearly cracked it!”

4. They Just Liked the Vibe at the Railway

The Railway’s a good pub! Maybe they weren’t even on the clock? Maybe they were just having a few pints? Maybe they spent $67k on TGIF knock offs? What’s it to you, anyway? Anything less is practically un-Australian.

5. Maybe Real Cops Watch as Much Law & Order SVU as Everybody Else Does

Sweet bby Jesus, those SVU cops go undercover a lot, don’t they? Trafficking rings, pretending to be inmates, posing as children in school, it’s never-bloody-ending. And, frankly, pretty badly executed with strangely few consequences. Maybe police departments are following The Benson Model these days, seeing as it works so fucking well on the show.

6. Maybe Every Single Cop’s Dog Died

Remember that time Oscar winner Tatum O’Neal was arrested for trying to buy crack and she said she was buying crack because her dog had died and she was sad? Maybe, yknow, like, do you know what I mean? I’m sure, like, we’ve definitely all thought, like I’m sure you have thought about, um, and if everyone’s dog, like, you’d probably need that much, um, is any of this making sense?

7. To Catch a Criminal, You Have to Be a Criminal

This is a piece of old cop wisdom my grandfather learnt at the police academy. If you really want to excel at catching the bad guys, you don’t just need to think like them. You need to become them. The same cops that were buying five figures of rack were also stealing puffer jackets from Uniqlo, to help them catch shoplifters.

8. The Coppers were Actually Buying up for Rock Legends ACDC (feat. Axl Rose)

Little bit suspect that the sting was titled “Operation Thunderstruck,” isn’t it? Yes. It really is.

9. They Were Being Cyber Bullied

I mean, you just need to take one look at the comments of the Victorian Police’s Facebook page to canvas public opinion of the coppers. Not everyone thinks they’re particularly cool, and that’s got to get to you sometimes. It wouldn’t feel great to achieve your childhood dream—what you thought was the most “badass” job in the world—only to find the public at large thinks you’re a pain in the ass. These cops might’ve been trying to up their street cred the only way they could: buying $67k worth of drugs. Guys, “racking” “lines” isn’t cool.

10. They Weren’t Sure if They Were Buying Drugs

“Alright boys, we’ve got a lot of white powder. The chef here is telling me he’s needing it to bake some sort of vegan bullshit. He seems like a good bloke, a Essendon man, but I’m not sure. Better send this off to the lab.”

“Right, so the lab said they couldn’t get a reliable result in their tests. This might be another Baker’s Delight situation, and we don’t want that to go public again. Gotta make sure this isn’t another baking soda situation. We better head back and get another sample.”

“Okay, so I’ve just gotten word from the lab—they’re saying they couldn’t get anything conclusive this time either. That croquembouche bust didn’t make us look good, so we’ve gotta be sure this time. I’ll drop by the Railway tonight.”

“I haven’t heard anything from the lab in a few days. Guess they haven’t come up with anything yet. I’ve got IMAX tickets tonight, so I’ll need one of you boys to swing by the Railway for me. Yeah, for Jurassic World.”

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