I talked with nine OKCupid users about their favorite things to do with their body parts and things from the sea.

#1

[username]: hi

thelolivegarden: hi

thelolivegarden: whats ur favorite seafood

[username]: sea fish!

thelolivegarden: oh sea fish

thelolivegarden: good one

[username]: you?

thelolivegarden: shrimp

thelolivegarden: because they are very easy to milk

thelolivegarden: also it is sensual and erotic to milk them

[username]: hmmm

[username]: stop exciting me

thelolivegarden: i agree the shrimp milking process is very exciting

thelolivegarden: can u tell me about ur life experiences w/sea fish

[username]: I love fish sticks

[username]: I like to put them in my mouth

thelolivegarden: do you…

thelolivegarden: you don’t milk them before you dip?

thelolivegarden: the milking seems essential

[username]: of course I do

thelolivegarden: i prefer to milk all fish before i eat it

thelolivegarden: so i can enjoy a beverage and food sensation at the same time

thelolivegarden: listen:

thelolivegarden: how many twitter followers does your ideal sea fish have?

[username]: 0

thelolivegarden: 0

[username]: sea fishes don’t go on twitter

thelolivegarden: 0

thelolivegarden: jesus

[username]: sea fishes fuck, eat and sleep and get eatean

thelolivegarden: they…don’t…tweet???

thelolivegarden: they need to maintain a follower base

thelolivegarden: i feel

thelolivegarden: they need reinforcement

thelolivegarden: to be as tender as possible

thelolivegarden: like

thelolivegarden: for ceviche

thelolivegarden: they need to be pampered

thelolivegarden: by 100+ followers

thelolivegarden: @ing them

thelolivegarden: RTing them

thelolivegarden: listen

thelolivegarden: forget all of that

thelolivegarden: what is most important for me to know is:

thelolivegarden: how many teeth do your favorite shrimp have?

[username]: I want to fuck online

#2

[username]: hi, how are you

thelolivegarden: hi i am fine plz tell me the closest you’ve ever gotten to touching the sexhole of a scallop

#3

[username]: HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU ARE KILLING ME.

thelolivegarden: no bro

thelolivegarden: tell me about your fav place to hide shellfish

[username]: probably the desert. no one’s looking for shellfish there

thelolivegarden: that is a good point, no one will look for fish in the desert

thelolivegarden: have u ever…

thelolivegarden: found a fish…

thelolivegarden: in a place….

thelolivegarden: THAT WAS VERY UNEXPECTED?!?!!

[username]: YES!

thelolivegarden: TELL ME TELL ME

[username]: it rained at my middle school (everywhere, really) and in this puddle outside of the science building were three or so goldfish

[username]: later it was discovered just to be the mischief of another student, but the magic of the moment made social studies fly by, at least for one day.

[username]: do you have any great fish stories?

thelolivegarden: one time a stingray showed me all 6 sets of its teeth

thelolivegarden: then it made me call everyone on my contacts list on my iphone

thelolivegarden: will become very aroused if you talk about your teeth

[username]: oh yeah? i mean, i could just show them to you

thelolivegarden: ALL OF THEM!!?!

thelolivegarden: do you have dental x rays

thelolivegarden: jesuss….

thelolivegarden: christ,…..

[username]: i mean, i couldn’t show you all of all of them right now.. but most of most of them. maybe even some of all of them

thelolivegarden: can u….send pics…

[username]: where to?

thelolivegarden: i came

#4

[username]: I likeuh spicy meatball!

thelolivegarden: nice

thelolivegarden: what celebrity would you most like to see having sex with a fish

[username]: Easy

thelolivegarden: and what fish

[username]: Salma Hayek

[username]: Sturgeon

[username]: so obvious

thelolivegarden: where would the sturgeon penetrate her

thelolivegarden: IDEALLY

[username]: ass

[username]: she would go down on th sturgeon

[username]: you?

thelolivegarden: before ass penetration??

thelolivegarden: she’d suckle it?

thelolivegarden: i would like it if plankton infiltrated jimmy fallon

thelolivegarden: every opening on his body

thelolivegarden: can i shoot you with plankton

[username]: If you have some you can.

thelolivegarden: i have more than you can handle

thelolivegarden: cowboy

[username]: I doubt that

[username]: Let’s find out

[username]: I need a bite of meatballs

#5

[username]: hey stranger

[username]: having trouble sleeping?

thelolivegarden: hello thank you for the IM can you please tell me how you measure up to a scallop (sexually)

[username]: well, for starters i am more well endowed…

#6

[username]: hi there

thelolivegarden: how long is your longest hair?

thelolivegarden: (tails don’t count but tail hair counts)

[username]: i have one nipple hair thats about 6 inches

thelolivegarden: wow

thelolivegarden: u are making me sexually frustrated

thelolivegarden: can you please tell me everything you think about magic johnson

[username]: he has aids and is good at assists

thelolivegarden: that’s good/fair

thelolivegarden: you have 6″ body hair

thelolivegarden: you are better than him

[username]: would you let magic hit you?

thelolivegarden: if magic johnson hit me 16 times i would not need to be hit more than 1 time by another person that year

thelolivegarden: i am getting wet

thelolivegarden: do u own snakes

[username]: yeah i have a python

thelolivegarden: u do

thelolivegarden: tell me…about his…marital status

thelolivegarden: a.k.a. do you let him choke other ppl besides u

[username]: he has a small butthole

thelolivegarden: can u tell me his cup size

[username]: SSSS

thelolivegarden: jesus..

thelolivegarden: that’s so big

[username]: duh

thelolivegarden: i want him to choke me with his SSSS tittys

thelolivegarden: can u mail him to me

[username]: k addy?

thelolivegarden: i live underwater

[username]: dzaaaam

thelolivegarden: is he an underwater python

thelolivegarden: so hard to find ppl/snakes to choke me bc a lot of them are not underwater

#7

[username]:hiya. your username is phenomenal. the pizza tattoo is a gamechanger

thelolivegarden: u have a probelm w/pizza???????

thelolivegarden: talk to me about your favorite dolphins

thelolivegarden: that you’ve known

thelolivegarden: biblically

[username]: dolphins are the gayest of the animal kingdom

thelolivegarden: what animal has the most STDs

[username]: pandas

[username]: or snakes

thelolivegarden: what animal has the tightest pussy?

thelolivegarden: (u cannot say thom yorke)

[username]: cats

thelolivegarden: oh

[username]: from my experience anyway

thelolivegarden: OH CATS

thelolivegarden: I SEE

thelolivegarden: this conversation is over

thelolivegarden: i suggest u listen to ska

[username]: hahaha

[username]: i do listen to ska

thelolivegarden: and grow as a person

[username]: i dictate the terms here

[username]: not you

[username]: let’s be clear!!!!

thelolivegarden: u have canadian cheese on ur brain

[username]: yummmmm

[username]: you are sexy

thelolivegarden: tell me about your limbs

[username]: all in tact

[username]: all double jointed

[username]: all strong

[username]: what about yours!!!

thelolivegarden: my areolas are so hard

[username]: you are such a catch

thelolivegarden: u r like the best catch of shrimp i ever caught

thelolivegarden: i am a shrimp boat person

thelolivegarden: i am lieutenant dan

[username]: thats my fav movie

[username]: now i love you back

[username]: i am so aroused

[username]: oh my god

thelolivegarden: i am so happy to hear you love me

[username]: #$%$

thelolivegarden: i love you sp much

thelolivegarden: i am growing a dick

thelolivegarden: omg

thelolivegarden: i am growing a dick…

thelolivegarden: somehow…

thelolivegarden: bc i love you…

[username]: fuck you

[username]: i hate you

thelolivegarden: TAKE ME TO RED LOBSTER

[username]: no

[username]: fuck you

thelolivegarden: BUY ME A FLOUNDER PLATTER

[username]: fuck you

[username]: FUCK YOU

#8

[username]: i just wanted to thank you for your username. i’ve had a long day and the chuckle i got from it was much needed.

thelolivegarden: I LOVE YOU WILL YOU TAKE ME TO CARRABBAS FOR FRESH LOBSTER ENTREE $13.99

thelolivegarden: why arent you answering me

thelolivegarden: i can sue you

thelolivegarden: i will sue you for not answering me

thelolivegarden: my father is a powerful lawyer

[username]: lol, sorry, i wasn’t signed in. that’s why i wasn’t able to reply. what’s carrabbas?

#9

[username]: might i interest you in a dry humpable?

thelolivegarden: how long are your forearms

thelolivegarden: (in inches, please)

[username]: hmmm let me check

[username]: 10 inches

[username]: 20 if you add them together

thelolivegarden: jesus

thelolivegarden: jesus…

thelolivegarden: u sound very sexy

[username]: actually more like 9

thelolivegarden: 9 is still okay

[username]: yeah… im defined by my forearms

thelolivegarden: how many shrimps do u think u could fit on ur forearms

[username]: oh jeez… theres no telling… esp. if i could stack them

thelolivegarden: er

thelolivegarden: jesus

thelolivegarden: stacking

[username]: how many can you fit

[username]: you are the pro and all

thelolivegarden: i didn’t think about stacking…

thelolivegarden: i am not a pro

thelolivegarden: i am just getting into this scene

thelolivegarden: i could fit 4 jumbo shrimps on my forearms

thelolivegarden: ***not including stacking**

thelolivegarden: christ…

thelolivegarden: how many would you stack on me

thelolivegarden: and where you woud stack them

thelolivegarden: getting…wet…

[username]: well id stand you on your head and cram them in between you butt checks until they hit da roof!

thelolivegarden: how many shrimp

thelolivegarden: total

[username]: um prolly like 17 -22

[username]: then to top it all off… id sit on your face

thelolivegarden: so you’d have shrimp coming out of your ass and penis holes?

thelolivegarden: onto my face?

[username]: you are the oddest person iv talked to on here

[username]: by far

[username]: not sure if its spectacle or you just have a bizarre sense of humor

thelolivegarden: just answer my question seriously

[username]: ok

[username]: ask away

thelolivegarden: from what body part of yours would i receive the shrimp

thelolivegarden: when you’re sitting on my face

[username]: well… id mince them up and cram them in your nostrils

[username]: and shove them under my balls of coarse

thelolivegarden: oh

thelolivegarden: into my nose and from your balls

[username]: um probably my pee hole

thelolivegarden: so they’d be like behind your balls

[username]: thats where i like my shrimp

thelolivegarden: and you’d just…they’d be minced…

thelolivegarden: you’d place them by hand

thelolivegarden: from your balls to inside me

thelolivegarden: i see

thelolivegarden: that is very good

[username]: i try

thelolivegarden: i have to go masturbate

thelolivegarden: goodbye

Previously – Philadelphia’s Sexiest Places to Tell Your Parent’s They’re Remembering Something Wrong

@meganboyle