There are games I am certain children should not have been playing. Let’s leave Doom, Mortal Kombat, and others out of the question. Yeah, they were a little violent, but you know how you combat that? Raising your damn kids. The Lion King is one of those games, though.

There was nothing really wrong with those other games. But, The Lion King? Shame on Westwood Studios and Virgin Interactive for putting this in front of kids. We weren’t meant to suffer in the ways this game made us suffer.

LION KING OF PAIN

When you get into the first level, you’re treated to Timon, the worry-free meerkat, forlornly saying, “It Starts.” Young me believed this to be just a clip from the movie. The truth is far more sinister: THIS WAS A WARNING.

The first level is “The Pridelands,” and it’s here you’re first introduced to the imprecise platforming and controls. You’ll struggle to leap over enemies and barely stun an enemy with Young Simba’s weak roar. And then you’re faced with your first boss, one of the movie’s hyenas. Your goal? Jump on his head. Run under him when he starts jumping and hope he doesn’t clip you. Pounce on him when he pants.

Your reward for this? A member of the unholy trinity of unnecessarily difficult video game levels (Battletoads: Level 3 and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Dam). “Just Can’t Wait to Be King” is a wasteland of broken dreams and a graveyard of busted controllers. A monkey-flipping bad time mixed with some of the worst collision detection this side of Clay Fighter. 

LATE-STAGE TRIUMPH 

Such are my competition-based issues, that when the “Disney Classics” bundle was announced with both Aladdin and The Lion King, I immediately jumped on it. I had to right this wrong and beat this game.  

And you know what happened? It still kicked my ass. Because advanced gaming skills and age don’t beat bad controls and platforming right out of the gate. It probably didn’t help that I picked the Switch version, which isn’t really platformer-friendly controller-wise.

Eventually, I adjusted and finally beat the game. And I felt unfulfilled. You know why? I was a victim of the rough design and technical constraints. But, it’s over, Lion King. it’s over. So, younger me, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault… it’s not your fault.