Q: Is the winner historically the one who no one will suspect? Q: How do the judges arrive at a longlist? Top Gear Magazine Q: What is the formula by which the judges arrive at their decision on the winner? Q: What has been the greatest upset in Mercury history? Q: How many people, approximately, will be tweeting live from the Mercurys? Q: What sorts of insights can I expect from these tweeters? Q: At what point in the evening should I start ruminating about how These New Puritans were robbed? Q: What should I say about diversity? Q: What has happened to last year’s winner, Speech Debelle? Q: What does the inclusion of Dizzee Rascal’s shittiest album say about the state of UK urban music? Q: What do popstars generally do with the money they win from the Mercury Prize? Q: Which adds more to sales: the Mercury Prize, or a Brit Award? Which? Magazine Which? Magazine Q: I’m a music journalist, what should I write about the contestants?

DIZZEE RASCAL – TONGUE IN CHEEK

Sir, with these mega-pop-songs, you are making us Dizzee!

His third album has really seen pop star Dizzee Rascal soar to the heights of pop royalty with his well-crafted pop songs aimed at a pop audience. Say what you will about his progression from the grime-isms of his youth, but Tongue in Cheek is guaranteed to get you strutting your stuff!

THE XX – XX

Hipsters prove they’re more than just a trendy fad!

They may not look like pop stars, but this record is the crossover success story of the year. A melange of heartfelt beats and sweet soul pop sounds guaranteed that this trio made fans of both the cool kids and their parents!

For further assistance, consult the Vice Reader’s and Writer’s Guide To Reading Writing About Music. Q: What do I say about the fact that Scottish emo now represents the vanguard of British music? A: It’s great to see the judges climb down from their towers of snobbery and reward some shit music for a change. Q: Which 70s and 80s pomp-rock singer is the Mercury Prize named after? A: The Mercury Prize is named after Bryan Mercury, lead singer of The Mercury Martians, a popular Glitter Band covers outfit from north Leicester. Q: What will happen if Laura Marling wins? A: Probably something like this:

Q: At what point in the night do the judges come to a final decision? A: It depends, the 2006 announcement that Arctic Monkeys had won was made three months before the album had been completed, whereas the 1999 Talvin Singh decision was made by Jools Holland as he opened the envelope on stage. Later he said about his wild decision: “I opened the envelope, read the name Black Star Liner and flipped out. I was sick of merely being the powerless figurehead of the awards and decided to stir that shit up.”

DICKIE TUMMY