FRANCE Historical evil: du pain, du vin, and du borsin Football evil: Thierry Henry MEXICO

Historical evil: Once populated by the naïve and violent Aztecs and Mayans who spent their lives worshiping a great tortoise, building massive pyramids, and playing complicated psychopathic versions of basketball. Then Cortez turned up pretending to be God and killed everyone. So yeah, from whatever angle you look at it they’re eeevil. Football evil: It’s all got to be run by drug lords, right? I mean, have you been to Tijuana? Also, they’ve just upset one of their star players, Giovanni dos Santos, by not including his brother Jonathan in their squad. I mean, how evil is that? Meanies. SOUTH AFRICA

Historical evil: It may have been the site of massive wrongdoing, but the Rainbow Nation is in a new phase and Jacob Zuma was found not guilty of rape so why would you even bring that up? Still, how can you listen to a burly Boer farmer purr “Kruger Game Park” and not feel a chill run down your spine as you imagine him heading out into the veldt to hunt the deadliest predator of them all: man. Evil. Football evil: The team have a white player called Matthew Booth who the supporters celebrate by chanting his surname. Eager to find a deep vein of racism running through South African football, a number of Western journalists reported the booing of a noble white player by callous black fans. Nice one, media. Benni McCarthy, formerly the team’s star player, has been dropped for being too fat as well as being mocked by fans, who constantly ask him if he’s hungry or not. URUGUAY

Historical evil: It may be better known over here as the country that sounds like “you are gay” but Uruguay has a crazed history that matches that of its Falklands-loving neighbor Argentina. Both countries were occupied by the British for short periods during Napoleon’s times and both countries were ruled by a military dictatorship after the Second World War, having previously been affluent and happy as a result of cow-based trade and the like. Uruguay was even constantly worked on by the US Office of Public Safety, a creepy fake international development agency that was basically the CIA with a Groucho mustache. Football evil: If evil is being damn good at football despite being a real small country, then sign these guys up! RESULTS Frankly Ur-a-gay never stood a chance and while historically Mexico have an edge, against the mighty colonial fuck ups of France and South Africa they look outmoded. So, congratulations Sarkozy, your surrender-monkey handballing Bleus have made it through alongside those evil-voiced Boers. 1. FRANCE 2. SOUTH AFRICA 3. MEXICO 4. URUGUAY Oh, and if you’re into football and not just evil, you should watch this, the first part of a film we made, it’s great. OSCAR RICKETT