We just got an email about this band’s anti-Chav video from a PR company in Brooklyn, which, considering the subject matter, is a bit like us sending them a scare film about the crips. Chavphobia aside, Disco Damage are the worst band in the world. The girl’s Argentinian, the boy’s North Irish, and they live in London, but their shittiness transcends continents and borders. It’s not even terrible in an entertaining way, like Ke$ha, who is such a dank-pitted little slut it’s kind of arousing to hate her, or Mumford & Sons, who are funny because they aren’t in the slightest bit arousing to anyone but the pigs they still drive to market every Sunday. So for the sake of young bands everywhere, we’re gonna attempt to turn Disco Damage into a terrible band of the Black Eyed Peas genus–ie: one that isn’t really entertaining or likeable, but is still useful as a kind of photo negative explaining how not to conduct a human life. THE VIDEO The gay couple in this video hate the chav, but judging by this Google search not all gays do, unless they see “scallies” through the same eyes straight men use to mentally hatefuck Ke$ha. And look at the way the video comes with all its tawdry complaints. It’s classic “Fear of the Other” material: – Chavs won’t take their feet off the train seats. – Chavs don’t get out of your way when you’re walking down the street. – Chavs hit the fruit machine when they lose money and it drowns out the same conversation we were having about our own pointless neuroses. – Chavs pay for their alcohol in coppers which is inconvenient and they drink until they throw up everywhere. And what, gay people don’t like cheap cocktails? If that’s what you’re saying, why did you shoot the video on Old Compton Street, which is paved nightly with fluorescent pink Diva Daquiri puke? What this can teach young bands: Spend all of your time drinking and smoking alone, walking around the city hating the world. THE BIO “They met in a club in early 2007… Kristin was a poet working in the West End as a cocktail bartender.” DON’T MAKE ME REACH FOR MY SAMPLE LYRIC SHEET/OH SHIT YOU JUST DID: Cocktail cunt (Happy hour gives me power) Cocktail cunt (Happy hour) (Cock-cock-cock-cock-c-c-c-c-c) Cunt/Cunt/Cunt/Cunt. [all belched] As far as cocktail songs go, ‘Cocktail Cunts’ almost measures up to this one in terms of lyrical sophistication and thematic complexity. “Beginning in Laura’s home studio, a natural sway towards Electronica took their combination of bedroom Electro and quirky lyrics from minds to myspace and soon Disco Damage tracks were being broadcast on airwaves reaching America, Australia, Japan and all around.” [All sic] The internet tends to do this. “London has had its fair share of Disco Damage, with the duo spinning at some of the hottest parties in town from Pooldisco at Shoreditch House to Bodytalk at Dalston Superstore (the inspiration for the EP track “Fuck the DJ”). They have come a long way from Laura’s bedroom in North London…” [sic sic sic] It’s North London to Dalston. It’s a £7 cab ride. What this can teach young bands: If you’re a poet working as a cocktail bartender you’re probably not a very good poet; never use the word “quirky” to describe yourselves, anything or anyone else; and never brag about your achievements because it makes you look less ambitious than Tom Vek. THE PHOTOGRAPHS

What this can teach young bands: THE INTERVIEW VICE: Your publicist sent over the video for “Cocktail Cunts” yesterday. I was wondering what the thinking was behind it. Kristin Neely: The same guy plays most of the characters. Is there some kind of “We’re all the same deep down” type message in there, then? KN: Have you had to deal with “cocktail cunts” yourselves in the past? KN: Laura Fares: You seem to have targeted quite a narrow section of society though. The cunt in your video looks a lot like a “chav.” KN: Do you find they’re the worst? KN: So why did you choose to dress someone as a stereotypical ned? Is it just about people who drink cocktails, or is at a wider lament at ned culture? KN: Why does he hate gays so much? LF: Are you gay yourselves? LF: Why would he go to Old Compton Street if he doesn’t like gay people? LF: That’s true I suppose. I couldn’t help but feel like the vibe throughout was more “chavs hate gays so we hate chavs” than it was “people on cocktails are angry at the world”, though. LF: That scene with the gay couple is the climax of the video though, isn’t it? LF: People understand strong stereotypes. What’s the difference between me picking up on the gay thing, and you picking the chav/ned stereotype? LF: That’s quite a PC answer, but anyway – do you have five top tips for new bands starting out today? LF: Er… LF: What would you do if Vice told you to give up? LF: What this can teach young bands: KEV KHARAS