It’s that time of the month! We’re all on our periods and have taken leave of our senses! We’re extremely interested in chocolate and pizza and also the music that you lob at us from the abyss that is the internet! Here is a choice (read: random) selection of music that you tweeted at us yesterday. Please note: these reviews are considered and heartfelt. MUSIC CRITICISM IS ALIVE! (Lester Bangs rolls over in his grave.)

Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: This is called “UConn” so I assume it was made in a dorm room. It sounds like a rap song that was made in a dorm room and hopefully will only be played in that exact dorm room. Nice UConn/Yukon pun though.
Kim: Oh this is so schmoove… oh this schmoove loop has been looped four times more than is necessary. This dude could do with taking a breath. He barfs out one long verse and then it fades to grey.
Fred: Good beat. What’s with the 1996 sports references?

Kyle: “I love the sound you make when I’m in you”? Kim: “I love the sound you make when I’m in you.” “Spread your wings/Spread your legs” Fred:

Kyle: Is their album cover written with poop smeared on the wall?
Kim: Trace of Lime have tagged their music thus:
#alternative #progressiverock #experimentalrock #indie #psychadelicrock #Kalamazoo
PSYHCADELIC? Come on guys. Spellcheck is just one click away. Obviously prog rock back in the 70s was about testing the parameters of song, throwing caution and modesty off a cliff and reveling in what is grandiose and unexpected—a jaw dropping display of virtuosity was the order of the day. Sadly Trace of Lime currently incapable of any of this.
Fred: OMG, this rips. Oh wait, wrong YouTube link. Too many links, sorry guys. This honks.

Kyle: Kim: “Someday I will learn to love myself as much as I love everybody else!” Fred: Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: This sounds kind of like getting hit in the face with a 40. Or a Tumblr. I’m into it though.
Kim: Don’t listen to this when you’re hungover. It’s the opposite of a hug and a nice cup of tea.
Fred: Title alone wins this. I’m into that square-wave bassline too.

Kyle: You have the word ninja in your Twitter bio, so I assume your soul is working for some dumb startup without vowels in the name.
Kim: Can we talk about your cargo pants instead?
Fred: Vapid, empty and non-existent.

Kyle: Only 17?! Why so world-weary? Just kidding, you’re 17. Practice safe sex, kids.
Kim: I kinda love this guy. It sounds like he recorded this in his kitchen with a shitty guitar he got for Christmas when he was 13. I like that he delivers lines like “I wanna die inside you” and“Casual sex is the best thing with you” like he’s on the phone to his mom having his weekly, this-is-what-I’ve-been-up-to chat.
Fred: This person is apparently 17 and recorded this on their phone. So that’s cool, right?

Kyle: Kim: Hellaware “I’ll Cut Yo Dick Off” Fred: Kyle: Kim: Dr. Octagon Fred: Kyle: Kim: Fred: Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: Someone I know who worked at Google got a really concerned call once from Scott Stapp because his AdWords weren’t working right.
Kim: Is Stapp singing about fish? Or firearms? Ohhhhh this is a sports song? Well that changes everything. I for real thought about fish flying through the air, which is a waaaaaay cooler thing to think about than wasting 1.47 minutes of your life on this turgid composition. SOMEONE GET HIM SOME LAXATIVES PLEASE. I’d be mildly interested* in hearing what Stapp sounds like if he didn’t have 20 years of shit backed up in his intestine. (*This is a lie.)
Fred: In so many ways that I can’t even count, this is #inspirational.

Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: Imagen Imogen Heap but modarn. Imagen Heap.
Kim: I’m down with the creepy images in this video: the girl in a body bag Laura Palmer vibes, the beautiful bath tub shots (don’t eat that yarn, though, that’s bad), the fingernail half-moons imprinted on the palm of her hand. These visuals suit the spectral sparseness of this gently woebegone song, even if the frailty of her vocals leaving me wishing she would buck up.
Fred: The vocals are like only the high parts of Kate Bush, not sure how I feel about that.

Kyle: Finally some shit with screaming in it. I think I downloaded this song from MySpace like 40 times in 2004. These guitars make me want to play video games or something.
Kim: Hang on! I need to put on my army green Carhartt cords from 1999. Has anyone seen my wallet chain? BRB. P.S. My First Castle. Really? I know settling on a band name is tough, but come on.
Fred: Like a sub-Minus the Bear with scream-y vocals instead. I used to like Minus the Bear a lot, mostly because they had the balls to NOT scream.

Kyle: Kim: that awful, awful thing that Cake’s drummer did came to light Fred:

Kyle: Nugs, bro.
Kim: OMG this is a link to MySpace! Is my profile still up on there? Why is this page designed like this? Marijuana Mountain you should really get a soundcloud. Oh, there’s the play button… I’m gonna retract that suggestion of a soundcloud profile.
Fred: Sickest name for a band. That’s all.

Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: I don’t understand why this exists or why you would tag your song #talibkweli for any reason unless you were Talib Kweli. You’re good enough at rapping to do something more original than this, I think.
Kim: While we’re on #hastags. LOL Kyle’s comment re: #talibkweli.
Fred: Lauryn Hill is still alive right? Why are we paying tribute to her? Also we already have Little Brother and Slum Village.

Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: The album is called Denver International Airport. Last year I got stuck in the Denver International Airport and got four hours of sleep on the floor because it was so cold I couldn’t fall asleep. That was more entertaining than this.
Kim: I have to say it’s annoying when people send us entire albums to review. Don’t you think it’d be better to just send us your best tune? So I’m going to listen to “Spirit Curtains” because the name is silly. The music is clearly bedroom produced, computer woozy, and the vocals I’m pretty sure came about during a séance with dear dead Uncle Andrew, which actually makes the capturing of his beyond-the-grave chatter all the more amazing. Now if we could just work out what he was saying. Do you have a message for us Uncle Andrew!?
Fred: Not for me.

Kyle: Kim: Fred: Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: All of MY marijuana memoirs are way more memorable than this, and I’m counting the time the other night when all I did was eat ice cream and think about how nice my bed felt before I fell asleep.
KIm: @Kyle. That’s my ideal night in tbqh.
Fred: Killer beat, until it devolves into sub-Master P “Ice Cream Man” vibes. Al$o I am $o bored with rapper$ u$ing the $ $ign in$tead of the letter $. Plea$e.

Kyle: Kim: Fred: Kyle: Kim: Fred:

Kyle: That kid is cute. I’m sorry he got hit in the face with a football. I can tell this guy listens to a lot of rap.
Kim: I wish people would send us some good indie rock. Does good indie rock exist anymore?
Fred: Help, these reviews are killing all hope. My soul is gone.

EMBEDDING DISABLED BY REQUEST. :(

Prancercise: A Fitness Workout

Kyle: I’ve actually never seen this. It’s pretty funny.
Kim: I LOVE THE PRANCERISE LADY! I love all the different music she applies to her workouts. Keeping fit as an OAP is important. Where is she? A gated retirement community in Pebble Beach? I wonder if anyone’s told her about Cuchini, the camel toe guard.
Fred: A modern classic.

Kyle: I dunno, I’d probably punch someone to this under the right circumstances. But it would be a pretty bad punch.
Kim: Sometimes I just don’t get boys.
Fred: Guys, I found the next big thing. These guys are the PIONEERS OF MILD PUNK.

Kyle: This title is a great premise for a song, but it turns out he’s going for a different kind of murking. I’m all about class commentary, but I have no idea what the point of this is, other than proving all my stereotypes about British people being awkward and hanging out in pubs/in suits correct. This is by far the funniest thing anyone sent in though, so props for that.
Kim: I lived in the UK for 20 years and I’m not entirely sure what he’s on about either. Like, he’s saying he’s neither working, middle, or upper class? Okay. Why are British people still so obsessed with the class system? Who gives a fuck! To me it sounds like he’s saying “merkin,” which means he’s rapping about pubic wigs. That would be much more entertaining, no?
Fred: This.

Kyle: AHHHHHHHH I WANT TO FIGHT SO MANY PEOPLE THIS RULES AM I HARDCORE KID NOW.
Kim: Oh good, another album! From a Finnish black-metal-hardcore-super-rage band! YARGGGGGHHHHH! That reminds me. My half sister is half-Finnish. I should give her a call.
Fred: I actually like, take that back, really like one of these. Grind, discordant guitars, and hardcore. I might actually listen to this again if I can get away from the stigma of all of the other dogshit that it came packaged with.

Kyle on Twitter – kylekramer

Kim on Twitter – @theKTB

Fred on Twitter – redpessaro

Related:

Read Volumes One and Two and Three of this series.