Once a month, we do something stupid. Very stupid. Like, the stupidest thing imaginable. We open the floodgates and let people send us whatever crap they want. We’ll review it, no matter how bad, unlistenable, or borderline racist it is. This month provided an array of unexceptional works. Let’s dig into this mess…

Dan: Kim: Eric: Interstellar

Dan: This is the type of shit where, after you die, your family will look through your computer and discover these wav files on your computer and say, “Wait, Uncle Robert made music? I wonder why he never told us about… oh.”
Kim: Oh man. Rob! Dixon! Why do you have to do this to me? You look so sweet and well-meaning in that rear-view mirror shot on your Bandcamp album cover! And the name of the album: A New Life! The optimism! I can’t crush you. Instead I will thank you for only putting up one-minute-something snippets of your 15-song strong record. You have been merciful and I will be too.
Eric: This sounds like a guy who listens to a lot of mid-career Beck and then records music on Sunday afternoons. Those aren’t bad things, either. I’d definitely listen to this guy sing his heart out before he “gets weird” mid-set at a bar with a shot and a beer special on Miller High Life and whiskey.

Dan: Kim: Eric: Dan: Kim: Eric: Dan: Kim: Eric: Dan: Peanuts Flashdance Footloose Saturday Night Fever. Kim: Scarface Eric: Dan: Peanuts Saturday Night Fever Kim: Eric: Dan: too busy watching movie Kim: Eric:

Dan: I paused Saturday Night Fever to listen to this because the cover made me laugh. The first two songs were kinda slow but the third one picked up a little. Next time, be as funny as your cover, buttbag.
Kim: “Recorded in a garage, a bathroom, a closet, etc etc…” Good use of space, but I do wish the so-so brand of indie Thieves are pumping out was as exciting and dramatic as an actual telenovela! They should try writing a song about that time Francesca was caught having sex under the sink with her son’s girlfriend Marianna. Classic telenovela material.
Eric: I kind of fuck with this? It doesn’t reinvent the wheel but sometimes it’s nice to hear a band do something you’re familiar with and do it well.

Dan: Kim: Eric:

Dan: If I PayPal you $100, will you invest in a distortion pedal?
Kim: Can we just take a moment and soak in the fact that this guy (or band?) is called Inifinite Pathos and the album is titled Another Cog in the Machine. LOL. There’s a lyric in the first song that runs: “Please slow down / I can’t be far behind.” If any dude said that to me, let alone quasi-sang that to me, I would have to respond: “KEEP UP, YOU PUSSY.” Additionally, I skipped all over this album and there’s a complete lack of cohesion. If Nina Garcia from Project Runway was reviewing this collection she’d call it a hot mess or worse. Auf wiedersehen!
Eric: This guy seems sad.

Dan: Kim: Eric:

Dan: I can’t even make fun of poor Corvaa. Sure, there were comically few (i.e. no) people watching, so she could’ve just sat this one out, but she didn’t. She gave 110% That is a true artist. Never stop chasing that rainbow, Corvaa.
Kim: Corvaa is performing at the LTG Tires Sunday Funday Car Show on the “The Plywood Stage.” That is all.
Eric: I’m just going to list some of my observations about this video: There are trees in the background. There is virtually nobody in attendance. The video is over seven minutes long. Before performing, she says it is her first single, but at about three minutes, she breaks into Zedd’s “Clarity.” Sometimes you can’t hear her singing because the wind is blowing. The entire performance seems to be choreographed? Her shoes are actually pretty tight.

Dan: Kim: Eric: Dan: Kim: Super Mario Eric: Dan: Kim: Eric:

Dan: It needs and update. We talk about it everyday. Do it for us for free.
Kim: Angelfire, right? Hey Joel, remember when you geek-programmed that sick digital wall thing so that I could move stuff by just waving my hands around like Tom Cruise in Minority Report? Can you do something similar to the Noisey site? THANKS, BABES.
Eric: I really liked that story these guys ran on Interpol.
Kim: Eric. That was actually a really great piece.
Dan: I like that we have a comments section so that I can tell you that you are hipster morons and you live in your parents’ basements.

Dan: Kim: Eric: Dan: Dan: Kim: Ja Rule Party at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Eric:

Dan, Eric, and Kim are on Twitter. Please don’t send them anything else.