After the tyrannical summer reign of the culotte, it seemed that we were safe. The wide-legged, patterned bandits appeared ready to be replaced with some new fall staples, perhaps trendier and more 70s-inspired than some of us would like, but certainly not a jersey culotte, and so we were out of the woods. Sure, corduroy was happening again, and it’s not the most flattering fabric in the world, but it’s cosy and has a certain OshKosh B’gosh comfort to it. And fine, wide leg pants are very much still present, but a full-length leg means you can work something out with heels or flatforms or something, if you must. And those of us uninterested can just put on one of those button-front A-line skirts that you’re required by law to sell in three colours if you’re a fashion retailer in October 2015.

And yet.

Monki Cropped Jeans via ASOS

This autumn has wrought a new, crueler torment: cropped, flared pants. Designed at no one’s request with no one in mind, these look good on no one and contribute nothing to any ensemble. Pop a pair of these on and you will have cold shins and wide calves, a brightly patterned camel toe and a strong whiff of “Delia’s model fallen on hard times.” Somehow, despite all this, these pants are everywhere. Below, please find a compete list of worse ideas than cropped, flared pants. Anything not included on this list should be considered a better idea.

– Blackface Halloween costumes

– Steampunk

– Talking to your elderly uncle about reproductive rights

– White short shorts with flared, crochet overlay

– Keeping your ex’s phone number “for when we’re friends again”

– “Festival fashion”

– Slow jams at karaoke

– Flirting via celebrity impression

– “Fun” voicemail messages

– Actually committing to a cleanse

– Dating a freegan

– Telling someone they’re “good on Twitter”

– Reading the comments

– Participating in the comments

– Publicly declaring yourself “not a feminist” during the press junket for your major motion picture

– Trying out new slang in front of coworkers

– Not using the condom “for a bit”

– Flared, cropped cargo pants

– Flared, cropped “pants,” UK version (undies)

– Adult subtweeting

– Sitting next to someone on the subway without leaving the distance of a courtesy seat

– Lifestyle blogging

– Suspenders

– Group email chains

– Acoustic covers of hip hop songs

– Ukulele covers of any song

– Making a big deal about how you’re “about to start exercising”

– “Just to play Devil’s Advocate for a second…”

– Clogs

[NB: this is a comedy article. There is no idea worse than cropped, flared pants.**

**except for flared, cropped cargo pants, obviously.]